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2006 ARCHIVE
December
Big Words, Cybergeeks, and Singlehood
November
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 2 of 2 parts
October
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 1 of 2 parts
September
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 2 of 2 parts
August
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 1 of 2 parts
July
What Is The Church's Moral Teaching on Chastity?
(Excerpted from Chapter III. A Major Challenge: A Chaste, Christian Courtship)
(Part 3)
June
Love and Affection
(Excerpted from Chapter IV, "Understanding Love")
(Part 2)
May
Excerpted from Christian Courtship in
An Oversexed World.
(Part 1)
April
Confessions of an Undercover Virgin
March
Renewing Singles Ministry
February
Body Language: Commentary on the Intersection of Faith, Sex & Culture
January
SINGLES MINISTRY IS VOCATION FORMATION
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| MAY 2006: |
This is Part One of a three part series. Enjoy!
Excerpted from Christian Courtship in
An Oversexed World.
Published by Our Sunday Visitor |
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 Friendship First (excerpted from Chapter IX, Strategy for a Christian Courtship)
Have you ever thought about where American dating patterns were hatched? Hollywood, and television. Considering the marital success rates of the people in these industries, I don't think we should take our cue from them.
From what I have seen and what young adults are telling me, it seems that there is far too much pressure on young men and women when they go out. It's too "clingy." They are in effect, expected to commit to dating each other exclusively from the second or third date. It's crazy. Far better to get together as friends for various activities for a time, without the pressure that dating usually brings.
This means you see each other and do things together, but you are free to go with others[1] if you wish at first, and there's no kissing goodnight, or holding hands. Nice, warm, chaste hugs are fine, since good friends often hug, but everything is low key, low pressure. There's no "I love you," or "I want to marry you," just words like, "You're an awesome friend." You might just get together once a week and talk on the phone twice a week at most.
If the friendship gets deeper you can move into a more exclusive arrangement. Agree to not date others, and get together twice a week and speak on the phone a bit more. But until you both agree to move into courtship, it's still a friendship, even if an exclusive one.
What if one or the other starts to have strong feelings? That's fine, but, until you agree on a courtship, you don't express those strong feelings in words, just in kindness and consideration. You continue as close friends.
One woman agreed to a friendship scenario and while they were speaking one evening, the question of exclusiveness came up. Her friend told her he was seeing another woman as well. She became quite upset and told him she couldn't accept that, because she had strong feelings for him. So they stopped going out together. She asked me what I thought.
I told her he would have been better not mentioning that he was seeing someone else. But, she would have been better telling him she needed to think about it, without ending the relationship on the spot.
You can't have it both ways. The idea of friendship dating once a week having to be exclusive is, in my opinion, a holdover from the clingy trial-marriage style of dating that has produced a 50% divorce rate. If you insist on exclusiveness for early friendship dating, you are going to slide back into the old pattern. What about your feelings in this situation? Enjoy them, but don't surrender to them. In other words, don't let them make you expect too much too soon.
If the man is to take the lead, as we suggested earlier, then let him lead. He should be the one to propose an exclusive friendship dating scenario, or a courtship (which should always be exclusive) after two or three months. Don't let premature feelings get in the way of a nice, calm friendship dating pattern.
A number of people are opting for this sort of relationship for several months, perhaps two or three, to see if they are compatible as friends, and then, if all goes well, beginning a courtship. Others begin such a relationship with no clue that it might lead to a courtship, and much to their surprise it does!
One of the benefits of a "friendship first" approach is that it provides something quite positive for couples to aim at, before the courtship begins. When I was young, we used to think in terms of getting through the first three dates, so we could have a goodnight kiss. As time went on, it got reduced to two dates, and then there was no waiting. A goodnight kiss was expected on the first date. This was all rather utilitarian, rather calculated. And, it was really not very personal.
Friendship dating is not biding time until the first kiss and the implied commitment to exclusiveness on the third or fourth date. It's a wonderful, gentle way to lay a good foundation for a chaste courtship.
One of the key elements of a Christian life is living by reason. That's what prudence is. It is not reasonable to court if you can't see marrying in the near future. More and more young men and women are examining their own dating behavior and realizing that some major changes are needed. "Would not my spiritual life be better and my life as a med student be simpler if I just developed some good friendships for a while, and didn't rush into an intense relationship, when I'm a few years away from being able to marry?" It is a delight, although admittedly a limited one, to have a good, strong friendship with a person of the opposite sex. It is a joy to have someone you can discuss your life with and feel confident you won't be exploited by that person. It is so sweet to be able to chastely hug a person you really like and trust. More and more young people are seeing the value of slowing down, and "smelling the roses" in the garden of friendship.
How do you move from friendship dating to courtship. The man says to the woman, "Well, we've seen each other for two months as friends. Would you be open to a courtship now?" If she asks what that means by that, he says, "Would you allow me to pursue this relationship with a view to possible marriage if things work out?" She can either say, "That would be nice," or, if she's not ready for that, she can say, "Could we continue on for another month and then decide."
If she doesn't know after three months and he asks, she's got to tell him she doesn't want to get into a courtship with him. If he is willing to continue to date as friends to see if anything develops, and she is willing, fine. Or, they could cool things down a bit and continue to get together from time to time and talk on the phone. Sometimes women take a long time to decide they love a man, even years. A man has to take into consideration things like his age, her age, his own readiness for marriage, and so forth when a woman says she needs more than three months. This is something he should take into prayer, seeking the Lord's guidance.
What if she is ready to move into a courtship and he doesn't make a move. As I mentioned earlier, he should be the one to move. However, if after three months she thinks he is taking too much time, and she wants to move on if he is not going to commit to a courtship, she can speak up. She might just ask him, "Do you see our relationship as leading to something more than a friendship?" The problem with that is, he may say no (although most women have a good idea of what he is intending). Despite the danger of that, I think that's the best approach. If she feels hesitant about that, she might try a more subtle approach, such as the following story illustrates.
A young once woman told me she was going out with a man for three months, but she wasn't sure what his intentions were. She asked if I thought she should tell him how much she cared for him so as to get things going. I told her "No way. He should start that kind of talk."
"Well then, Father, what should I do? We've been going out for three months and he's never even kissed me"
"Next time you go out, when he takes you home, back up against the door jam and say, 'You may kiss me if you like.'"
About a year later I heard they were getting married. I guess it worked.
What if a man is not interested in a courtship after three months? Forget him. Men usually know long before three months.
The nice thing about friendship dating is the fact that there's no kissing. When the kiss occurs, that should be a signal that a courtship is beginning.
Regardless of your situation, I strongly recommend trying to simply develop a nice, low-key friendship with someone, without any kissing or romance for two or three months (at least) before getting into a more romantic sort of courtship. Some of the best marriages have begun with a beautiful friendship.
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