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2006 ARCHIVE
December
Big Words, Cybergeeks, and Singlehood
November
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 2 of 2 parts
October
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 1 of 2 parts
September
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 2 of 2 parts
August
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 1 of 2 parts
July
What Is The Church's Moral Teaching on Chastity?
(Excerpted from Chapter III. A Major Challenge: A Chaste, Christian Courtship)
(Part 3)
June
Love and Affection
(Excerpted from Chapter IV, "Understanding Love")
(Part 2)
May
Excerpted from Christian Courtship in
An Oversexed World.
(Part 1)
April
Confessions of an Undercover Virgin
March
Renewing Singles Ministry
February
Body Language: Commentary on the Intersection of Faith, Sex & Culture
January
SINGLES MINISTRY IS VOCATION FORMATION
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| JUNE 2006: |
This is Part Two of a three part series. Enjoy!
Love and Affection
(Excerpted from Chapter IV, "Understanding Love") |
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 In order to understand Christian courtship, it's important to discover the meaning of love. In fact, there are several meanings of love in the English language, for which the Greeks had four different words. The first, agape ("ah-gih-pay"), is often translated as "divine love" because it is typified by the self-sacrificial love of God for mankind. The second, philia, is friendship, sometimes called brotherly love. The third, storge ("stór-gay"), is affection, often called familial love. The fourth, eros, is emotional love. C. S. Lewis wrote a classic explanation of these four dynamics of love, entitled (oddly enough) The Four Loves. I will use some of his ideas as a starting point herein.
[Because space is limited, we will consider only the issue of affection here.]
Affection (storge)
Affection is sometimes called familial love because it commonly occurs among family members, but it is most important in courtship as well. It is a tenderness, a gentle caring for someone. We all seem to have a need for affection: to receive a tender look, a touch, a certain intimacy: a mother from her child, and vice versa; a wife from her husband; a girl from her best friend. At the right place and time, an affectionate touch is a beautiful way to communicate love, perhaps the only way.
Affection is expressed in many ways: a hug; a tender kiss on the lips, the cheek, or forehead; a tender smile; a gentle touch on the arm, the hand, the hair. It seems that good, selfless, chaste affection has been a casualty in our over-sexed world. Many have lost the art of affection.
Years ago Ann Landers took a survey of her married women readers, asking whether they would prefer to be "cuddled" or to have "the act." Over 70% preferred to be cuddled. I don't think this is because they didn't like the act, but because they hadn't been cuddled in a long time.
Often women come in to speak to me and say "Father, my husband is an animal. All he wants to do is have sex."
I ask them, "Did you have sex together before marriage?"
"Yes," they answer.
"Perhaps the problem is," I tell them, "you never developed the habit of sharing affection together, as an end in itself. When a man has sex with his woman before marriage, he often sees kissing and touching as merely an introduction to sexual intercourse. You need to help him realize the great importance of affection in a good marriage. It's something very beautiful in itself. You must sit down with him and tell him you need to be able to touch him, to hug him, to be kissed by him often, without any sexual activity. And, you may have to tell him this, patiently, without nagging, several times. I think he'll come around." Affection is an important language of love, one most women find extremely important. It should be learned well during courtship.
So often, when chastity is discussed in a religious context, the sharing of affection is barely covered. But, because affection is such a valuable thing, more should be said. One young man (about 30 years old) called me after one of our "Christian Dating in An Oversexed World" seminars, and asked, "Well, father, what should I do to tell my sweetheart goodnight?" Good question. So often we speak endlessly about what you shouldn't do, without making a positive proposal about what you should do.
I told him, "Well, you might put your hand to her face and move forward ever-so-slowly, and gently kiss her once... twice... three times. Then give her a big, slow hug, pressing your cheek against hers and feeling the warmth as a way of proclaiming your real warm feelings for her. Then, perhaps say something nice, such as, 'You are so precious to me.' Then say goodnight and kiss her once more, slowly, tenderly, as if you fear she might break if you aren't careful."
"Not bad, Father, not bad," he responded.
"It's been a while, but I have a good memory."
(It does seem strange to have to talk about these things, but today there seems to be a need for it. The sexual revolution has messed things up so royally that we need to do a lot of rebuilding in areas that used to be taken for granted.)
Is there more to romantic affection than just a goodnight kiss? Absolutely. If a couple has been going out for a while, he might give her a brief, but tender kiss on the cheek, and a hug when he comes to pick her up. He might kiss her hand from time to time. He might touch her face on occasion. He holds her hand when they walk. He puts his arm around her shoulder at times, or he touches her hair. He holds her hands for a minute or two at dinner. Slow, gentle hugs are always a joy.
She should be able to show affection to him as well, especially if he has given her reason to be confident in his love for her. In the car she might put her head on his shoulder while waiting for a red light. Or, she might touch him gently on the hand, or pull close, touch him on the nose and say, "You're cute." Or if he says or does something nice she could kiss him gently, as only a woman can, on the cheek. Another possibility would be to take his hand and put it around her waist, or just put her arm in his, and lean lightly against him, as they walk along.
There is another delightful way to share affection. She sits on the couch and he lies next to her with his head in her lap. Then they can talk the night away as he holds or plays with her hand. It's a great way to talk and talk and talk. It is in such situations that a man and woman will have the opportunity to develop real spiritual intimacy, which is so essential to a good marriage. And, it's delightful, because it has the added spice of closeness.
One little thing to remember in sharing affection: Moving slowly is usually indicative of giving, of honoring and serving the beloved; moving more rapidly or touching more intensely is usually indicative of seeking, of pleasing and serving the self.
This should pretty much be the extent of physical expressions of love in courtship. Imagine how spiritually and psychologically healthy courtship would be if this were the accepted norm for sharing affection with your sweetheart. Imagine what a great preparation for marriage this would be.
Now, for some, this may be a big step back. But, it's a healthy one. Many people who have taken it, have been glad they did. The problem is that in our Western world we have this hedonistic attitude toward pleasure, that says, if it's pleasant I must gorge myself on it. When I was in college a group of us would occasionally go out for ice cream. We wouldn't just order an ice cream cone, we'd order a whole pint of ice cream each. We could just barely finish it.
Nowadays, when we detect something is pleasurable, we tend to want to have our fill of it, to be completely sated with it. So, if we like to ski, we become "avid skiers," or if we like tennis, we become "tennis addicts." If a man enjoys kissing his sweetheart, it's a given that he will sleep with her.
That, of course, is not the Christian way. When a true Christian enjoys something, he just enjoys it, and tries not to become "attached." In other words, he tries not to desire any thing or any person outside God, to the point that he feels he can't be happy without it. This is why St. Francis of Assisi would only see St. Clare once a year--because he enjoyed her friendship so much he didn't want to depend on it for his happiness. It was only when Teresa of Avila gave up her attachment to the world that she started to do great things for the Church.
The Christian approach to pleasure is to delight in it for the moment, and then forget about it. What a blessing it is to be able to enjoy the little tastes of joy in life, seeing in them a small whisper of the joy of heaven, without having to be a slave to them, even in a small way. In other words, the real Christian can be satisfied with little pleasures, whether in food, or drink, or a goodnight kiss, or even the joy of friendship, without insisting on having more, more, more.
The place of complete satiation,[2] of deep fulfillment is not this world, but the next. Here, if we can savor the little delights and pleasures we encounter along the way, and be content with these, we can be at peace as we journey towards complete and final fulfillment in the divine marriage of God's Kingdom.
I mentioned the above scenario of romantic affection to a group of young women recently, and when I was finished I heard this big sigh of ecstasy. One of them raised her hand and said, "Father, that's what we want. Are there any men who do this?"
"No, not many, not yet," I answered. "You have to help them get there."
Women, tell the men what you like and don't like. If they're smart, they'll respond. One of my pre-seminary days sweethearts said, "I love it when you touch my face." I'm not a rocket scientist, but I knew enough to keep touching her face in those special moments of sharing affection. Ladies, it's not manipulation to ask for what you like, it's teaching a man how to treat you right. It's only manipulation if you try to make him do things he doesn't like to do. What if he won't treat you the way you like with regard to affection, or anything else, for that matter? Do I need to answer that? Tell him goodbye! Affection is very important, especially for a woman.
It's no wonder so many couples never develop intimacy during their courtship. They're too busy kissing and hugging (among other things), when they should be talking about the deep things of their heart.
What about people like Joshua Harris,[3] who decided not to kiss until they married, or Elisabeth Elliot,[4] whose first kiss came with engagement? Is one of those perhaps the best way? Well, no. I can understand why they might take that course, since so many things, good things, such as affection, have become sexualized and thus exploitive. But, I think their approaches are overreactions to our oversexed culture. There is a great need to rehabilitate affection in our world, to restore it to its proper place, to purify it of the sexual connotations people have given it. Affection when it is pure and noble is a beautiful thing, and helps people to relate well. When a couple puts off kissing, even the innocent sort of kissing I have described above, until marriage or engagement, they may be implicitly conceding that affection is just a milder form of sexual exploitation. It isn't. It's a wonderful expression of love and it fulfills a human need.
What about affection in public? P-l-l-lease, very little, and only in the right places. Holding hands while taking a walk, kissing goodbye or hello briefly or a hug at the airport, or holding hands at dinner: these things are fine. But all the other things such as caressing arms, or repeated kisses don't belong in public. These are personal things, which should be done in private.
Practicing good manners has primarily to do with making others feel comfortable. When a man and woman can hardly keep their hands off each other in public, it is really discomforting for everyone else. Puhl-l-lease!
Affection, as Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II) wrote, is not aimed at enjoyment, "but the feeling of nearness."[5] Sharing affection, "has the power to deliver love from the various dangers implicit in the egoism of the senses..."[6] Affection is an important "factor of love," but requires an "inner self-control."[7]
Occasionally a person discovers his or her sweetheart has little use for affection; he/she has difficulty embracing or touching. This can be most exasperating in a relationship. Sometimes this reticence is due to a certain fear of sexual advances in our sex-soaked culture. Or, it could be that he/she comes from a family where outward expressions of affection were rare. In either case, I would recommend discussing this with him or her delicately and diplomatically, and explaining the importance of trying to gradually ease into a habit of sharing affection chastely. This is something that can be learned, but it must be done gradually, without any outside pressure.
A third possible reason for being affection-shy is having a psychological block due to a bad experience in the past. In this case, for his (or her, understood) own good, and that of his future spouse and children, he should consider getting some counseling to get at the root problem. Often such a problem can cause major difficulties with loving fully or trusting. Getting counseling for this (from a good, skilled Christian counselor) can work wonders.
To be sure, cultural background has a huge impact on the ability to share affection. Generally the Latins, Filipinos, and some Eastern Europeans are quite comfortable about hugging and kissing among family members and friends, and are, I believe, better for it. This does not mean that those who are from other backgrounds should be satisfied with minimal affection. Many studies show that sharing affection physically is quite therapeutic for the individual, and his spouse, regardless of nationality.
Affection: a great aid for mental well-being. And, a great thing in courtship.
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