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2006 ARCHIVE
December
Big Words, Cybergeeks, and Singlehood
November
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 2 of 2 parts
October
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 1 of 2 parts
September
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 2 of 2 parts
August
Semper Fi, "Always Faithful" - Mary, the Marines, and Dating - Part 1 of 2 parts
July
What Is The Church's Moral Teaching on Chastity?
(Excerpted from Chapter III. A Major Challenge: A Chaste, Christian Courtship)
(Part 3)
June
Love and Affection
(Excerpted from Chapter IV, "Understanding Love")
(Part 2)
May
Excerpted from Christian Courtship in
An Oversexed World.
(Part 1)
April
Confessions of an Undercover Virgin
March
Renewing Singles Ministry
February
Body Language: Commentary on the Intersection of Faith, Sex & Culture
January
SINGLES MINISTRY IS VOCATION FORMATION
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| NOVEMBER 2006: |
St. Joseph, Unofficial Patron of the Dream Date
Part 2 of 2 parts
Written by Thomas P. Schmierer |
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 Date's Spirituality
Can your date read the spiritual signs like St. Joseph?
St. Joseph had the ability to read the spiritual signs. It is important to determine whether your date also has this same ability. The only way to balance a focus between materiel and spiritual things is by engaging in daily spiritual practices and by continuing to develop spiritual knowledge. It is important to find out if your date attends Mass, prays, or does Catholic spiritual reading on a daily basis.
The following text from a booklet on vocational discernment is applicable to your dating interest.
Be cautious about seeking advice among those who are of the world [.] Those who lack a spiritual perspective can only offer the wisdom of the world and the flesh, which is [foolish] for those who have put on the mind of Christ. […] Their advice will be lethal to your vocation. (10)
If your vocation is marriage and you are dating someone who does not see things with spiritual eyes, his/her advice will be lethal to your vocation.
Someone who is focused on worldly thoughts cannot be trusted to guide your relationship. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is not spiritual enough to read the spiritual signs, then ask him/her to get a spiritual director. (11) If he/she does not do it within a month, ask him/her again. If two months pass, ask one more time. If three months pass, you have enough information about your date to begin seeing others.
The four things you will have learned about your boyfriend/girlfriend are:
- He/she is at a low level of spiritual maturity
- He/she does not place God as top priority
- He/she does not place you as the next priority after God (nor take your requests seriously)
- He/she is not willing to improve himself/herself spiritually
Prudent daters inspired by the life of St. Joseph will not let four months pass without action. Joseph responded immediately to the angel of God. As a baptized Catholic, you are worthy of marriage to someone with a high level of spiritual maturity and must not settle for less when dating.
When you attend religious lectures at church is your boyfriend/girlfriend usually interested in the topic or does he/she typically roll his/her eyes, implying the words "Get real" or "I'm bored, let's get out of here"?
I give religious talks and during one lecture I saw a young lady who was listening intently while her boyfriend looked like he was being tortured. The topic was that we are all called to holiness. A lack of interest in the message of answering the call to holiness shows that someone is either having an off day or has generally stopped asking for God's grace. If the uninterested attendee was not having an off day, then he is not interested in spiritual matters and is a definite candidate for spiritual direction.
Whether or not someone is having an off day is for you to determine by truly getting to know your date. Whereas it is good to encourage your date to strive for holiness, if he/she is generally uninterested in religious topics, you must be careful that you have not chosen a project rather than a spiritually compatible person.
The end result of a relationship between a spiritually mature person and a spiritually immature person is usually loneliness and sadness on some level. If it leads to marriage and children, the effects on the children are commonly negative. It makes me sad to think that couples exist in which only one member is interested in spiritual matters. Once again, as a baptized Catholic, you are worthy of marriage to someone with a high level of spiritual maturity and must not settle for less when dating.
Date's Chastity
Has my date been patient when introducing new levels of chaste intimacy into the relationship?
If the person you are dating is leading you through stages of intimacy at warp speed, it is advisable to wait, educate, and contemplate.
- Wait
The virtue of chastity first requires patience. Someone who is patient will not be overly eager to progress through different levels of intimacy at a fast pace. He will know that he is drawn to get closer to you, but will not suffocate you by entering a strange form of pseudo-marriage. If you are interested in learning more about pure relationship progression, there are two highly-informative books available.
- Educate
Matthew Kelly's The Seven Levels of Intimacy explains how to progress through the stages of intimacy in an authentic and pure manner. Chapter One is entitled Sex Is Not Intimacy.
Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World by T. G. Morrow differentiates between pre-marital affection and pre-marital sex. Besides containing extensive information on chaste affection, the book gives practical advice on such things as how many phone conversations and dates per week may be appropriate for those striving for purity.
- Contemplate
After reading these books, you may see how the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph might have had a celibate yet intimate and affectionate marriage. Tradition tells us that Mary is a Perpetual Virgin, yet does not supply us with details regarding the extent of chaste intimacy/affection in the marriage.
Since St. Joseph is the focus of this article, I have focused on a celibate marriage. If you are thinking about a possible future with your date that includes marriage and the marital embrace, I recommend reading about the parents of St. Thérèse of Lisieux and meditating on their lives. In spite of the uniqueness of having a celibate marriage, the lives of Mary and Joseph are still good for giving us an ideal as we strive for chastity in our premarital interactions.
Chastity becomes easier to practice when you meditate on the chaste marriage of Mary and Joseph. When you ask for their intercession, the grace of God fills your entire being, teaching you the ways of authentically chaste love.
Role of Catholic Single Man
So what are the roles of a Catholic single man when dating? Whether a woman or man pays for a meal or does the dishes is not as important as the underlying principle. It is the man's role to know in his heart that his date is worthy of having her meal paid for by him because, as a woman and child of God, she is inherently as priceless as an exotic gem.
Realizing that a woman is priceless, a man would be willing to do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, and mop the floor, just to be able to spend a few moments with her. This does not mean that he will always do all of these things, but that he honors her.
Like St. Joseph, a Catholic single man will work with integrity in order to provide for his date when the opportunity arises. He will be patient with her and others, even when the clumsy waiter spills wine on his favorite sport coat. He will be generally interested in spiritual topics and lead the relationship towards pure intimacy at a prudent pace.
By practicing the virtues of integrity, patience, chastity and by striving for a greater spiritual maturity as inspired by the life of St. Joseph, a Catholic single man will grow in holiness and increase his chances of attracting women with Marian virtues.
The virtues that make a dream date are the same virtues that make a dream spouse. By dating a virtuous person, you increase your chances of someday having a holy marriage, one like that of Mary and Joseph – a marriage with miraculous results!
Footnotes
(10) See http://www.vocationinfo.com/theologyB.html for web version of booklet.
(11) Getting a spiritual director is easy. You simply ask a priest/sister whom you trust if he/she will be your spiritual director, and if he/she says "yes," then you set up an appointment. See number II at http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05024a.htm for information on what a spiritual director is.
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