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2007 ARCHIVE
December
Christmas Presents, Catholic Presence, and Dating
November
Mr. Chemistry Lips
October
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part Two
September
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part One
August
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part Two
July
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part One
June
Why Am I Still Single? Part Two
May
Why Am I Still Single? Part One
April
Survive or Thrive?
March
How Open Is Your Marriage Window?
February
Interview-date-o-phobia
January
Angels, Demons, and Dating
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"Interview-date-o-phobia"
Written by Thomas P. Schmierer on January 24, 2007 |
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 On some online dating websites, one profile question that is asked is "What would be your ideal first date?" My reply would be "Anything but an interview."
I have been self-diagnosed with "Interview-date-o-phobia," the fear of being treated like a commodity. A "commodity-trading" date has a stern, businesslike tone. It is more of an inquisition than a rendezvous.
Dating does not have to be this way. It is not a sin to have an enjoyable first date. Having a good time is possible, but a shift in attitude may be in order.
"Purchase or discard"
An online dating service is not a shopping website. That would be human trafficking and a violation of human rights.
In this consumeristic society, we often think of the person with whom we go on a first date as a product to purchase and, if we are not satisfied, to discard. This likely happens when we do not stop to consider our actions.
Rather than asking "What can I get from this person?", we need to ask "What can I do for this person?" While the first question is self-serving, the second is self-sacrificing. Christ taught us to desire to serve more than to be served.
"Give me marriage or get out of my life"
Some of the women I have dated may as well have started the first date by stating, "I want to determine if we are a match at warp speed. If I discover we're not a match, I'll never speak to you again because my sole life's purpose is to find a husband. I want to have children and my clock is ticking." I'm sure there are men with the same attitude, excepting the "ticking clock" syndrome. (1)
The prevailing attitude is that the opposite sex is there for us to use to obtain offspring, but not there for us to serve in chaste friendship. If dating begins in a self-serving manner, the resulting marriage will likely be selfish as well.
Patience draws near; anxiety distances
The best first date is one that is fun and light – one that feels like you are spending time with a friend. Whether or not the first date results in marriage is not as important as whether or not the couple truly displays care for each other as brother and sister in Christ.
Let the big topics come up naturally rather than by force. It is the difference between being ruled by patience and being ruled by anxiety.
Patience is a virtue; unnecessary anxiety is vice. Virtue pleases God; vice distances us from God.
Since God is love, we are closer to love when we are patient and further from love when we are needlessly anxious. The same is true in our relationships. Patience draws others near, whereas anxiety often distances us from others.
Impatiently directing the conversation towards certain sensitive topics upon first meeting is forcing intimacy on someone who has not asked for it. It is inappropriate and uncivil.
If you make it to a fourth date without getting answers to some deal-breaking questions, bring them up then. On the first date, have some fun. Let's start off our relationships in a pure, joyful manner. Let's practice patience to please God and get closer to others. Let's go bowling!
Footnote
(1) To be fair, next month's article will focus on the fear of intimacy issues commonly seen in men.
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C©. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work.
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