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2007 ARCHIVE
December
Christmas Presents, Catholic Presence, and Dating
November
Mr. Chemistry Lips
October
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part Two
September
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part One
August
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part Two
July
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part One
June
Why Am I Still Single? Part Two
May
Why Am I Still Single? Part One
April
Survive or Thrive?
March
How Open Is Your Marriage Window?
February
Interview-date-o-phobia
January
Angels, Demons, and Dating
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How Open Is Your Marriage Window?
Written by Thomas P. Schmierer on February 27, 2007 |
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 Have you ever wondered whether or not that chemistry-filled, lunchtime rendezvous could be considered a date?
The definition of a date in Christian courtship circles is "when a man and a woman who are attracted to each other meet at the same time and place on purpose and both are open to the possibility of marriage." (1)
If you are wondering why your lunch partner has never acknowledged your lunchtime rendezvous as a date, a look into some common reasons for fearing commitment will provide helpful. While discussing the reasons, I will also provide the testimony of how I overcame my fear of commitment.
Some singles have a strong fear of commitment and like to omit the "open to marriage" portion of the definition. A word of comfort for commitment-phobes is "possibility," as in "the possibility of marriage." This leaves the claustrophobic a way out, if need be.
Think of marriage possibilities as something that is on the other side of a window. Some singles want to get married so badly that their windows are flung wide open. Others have valid reasons to keep their windows open just a crack. Neither window positions are automatically good or bad. As long as your window is not completely shut, you are probably engaging in Christian courtship as opposed to blatant secular using.
Why Just a Crack?
There are many understandable reasons that singles are afraid of marriage. All one has to do is watch a TV family sitcom to see how popular it has become for American married couples to use bitter language against one another. Who wants that?
Other adult singles watch their parents alternate between uses of controlling language and childish overreactions as the couple enters the golden years. Unkind parental models are enough to embed a deep fear of commitment in any single.
When singles go to work, they often hear a married co-worker take stabs at the opposite sex, specifically in reference to the married life. One example is "Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes." To a Christian single, these "jokes" are neither funny nor inviting.
Being a man, I know of another reason why some single men might be afraid of commitment as the following story illustrates.
"I really, really like to watch football"
I once went on a date with a woman who said "I will not date a man who watches football." I tried to explain to her that in order to love, differences in likes and dislikes need to be seen as complements. My words fell on deaf ears -- likely her past experiences with football-watching men still hurt too much.
Yes, some men, really, really, like football. In fact, I really, really like football.
I was raised in Wisconsin where Lambeau Field gets more Sunday visitors than the Cathedral during a papal visit. This is unfortunate, yet I still bleed Packer green and gold.
I know, as a single man, that a committed relationship equals less football. My instant reaction to that realization can be summed up in the word "Bummer."
There have been times in my life when my marriage window has only been open a crack, with my love for football being only one of many reasons for fearing commitment. The same is true of many single men today.
Women, please do not despair. Even a man who does not seem open to marriage, quickly changes his mind once he has met a woman with whom he enjoys spending time more than watching a game. Knowledge of whether you might be that woman takes time to discern, so some patience may be required. Yet, if you are dating a man who is determining whether or not he loves football more than you, be sure to keep the relationship open to dating other men.
Football Fan or Chronic Sinner?
Dating only men who do not like football is a silly rule to have. It is a human rule, not God's rule.
God's rule requires you to discern the core morality of your dating interest. Watching too much football is a sign of vice. It is opposed to the virtue of moderation.The question "Do you like football?" needs to be replaced with "How much time do you spend watching football as opposed to volunteering?" While an answer to the first question reveals a like/dislike, an answer to the latter question provides a way to discern someone's heart.
Three years ago I had season tickets for the Chargers. When the Bolts played home games, I would go to early Mass, spend a total of three hours in traffic, two hours in the parking lot, and four hours inside the stadium. I later realized that for me, this was selfish and sinful because I had betrayed the commitment I had made to sing with the parish choir on Sundays.This year, I heard that the Chargers went pretty far in the playoffs. If no one told me, I would never have known because I did not watch a game all season √ not even the Superbowl. I am a football fan, but I could care less.
Why? Two years ago, I gave up vices of habitual excess in order to serve others. For me, this included giving up football season tickets.
Seven months ago, I went on a first date with the best Catholic single woman in the world. She agreed to go on a second date with me, most probably because I had freed myself of vices of excess.
During the Superbowl, we were sitting on the couch, with the TV turned off, reading Familiaris Consortio (2) because we take our courtship seriously. I would not have traded that day with her for anything, not even football.
Please understand that football is not evil. It is the lack of moderation that is evil and that includes excessive football-watching, shopping, alcohol-consumption, and eating. As long as an activity is not immoral, the excess is what matters, not the activity.
Jesus is Calling
Regardless, of the vocation to which God may be calling you, there can only be one reply and that is "Here I am Lord. I will serve You." The call to the marital vocation is no different. When God calls, an earnest reply is required.
First, we are all called to chastity, which is another word for purity. Second, if you are called to the chaste single life, this does not include excessive time spent doing entertaining activities. Christian life for those with a vocation as a single means hard work and sacrifice, much like marriage. Every Christian vocation requires us to take up our crosses daily. (3)
Men, if you are called to marriage, it is time for moderation and service. Put down the channel changer on College Gameday for just a little while and head over to the soup kitchen. God is calling and the time is now.
If you are a Catholic single who feels called to the marital vocation, please do not mention marriage on the first date. Discern the difference between vice and hobby and wait until the third date or later to directly ask about openness to marriage. On the first date, just enjoy the sweet breeze coming out of your date's marriage window, however slight.
Footnotes
(1) Paraphrased from a courtship seminar led by Dave Sloan, author of the www.GodOfDesire.com website.
(2) Familiaris Consortio can be found here. I consider it required reading for all Christian couples, regardless of state.
(3) Entertainment is a good thing. In order to maintain a balanced life, everyone needs to spend some time seeking entertainment.
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work.
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