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2007 ARCHIVE
December
Christmas Presents, Catholic Presence, and Dating
November
Mr. Chemistry Lips
October
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part Two
September
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part One
August
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part Two
July
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part One
June
Why Am I Still Single? Part Two
May
Why Am I Still Single? Part One
April
Survive or Thrive?
March
How Open Is Your Marriage Window?
February
Interview-date-o-phobia
January
Angels, Demons, and Dating
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Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate!
(Part Two of Two)
Written by Thomas P. Schmierer
June 16, 2007 |
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 After reading last month's article, have you come to realize that you are desperate? Are you thinking "What good is this realization when I don't know how to find peace?" In this part of the article, it will be revealed how flawed thinking generates desperate behavior and how patience, prudence, and cooperating with God's grace can foster a sense of peace.
Basic Survival Needs
One source of desperation comes from a misunderstanding of the basic survival needs of humans. Most modern psychologists and anthropologists agree that humans need food, shelter, and water. To that list I would add "love of God" and "God's grace."
Our basic survival needs are a source of intense motivation for us. The thought of starving to death causes us to kill animals for food or to pay others to do it for us. We may be motivated to work at a career that we do not always like as a way to pay for our basic needs. If we even think of walking through a dry, hot desert we may feel motivated to get up and drink a glass of water. When the trapped residents of New Orleans lost their basic needs after Hurricane Katrina, they were motivated to perform seemingly superhuman feats of strength in order to obtain food, water, and shelter.
Imagine if a person thought that being in a dating relationship was a basic need. Imagine the intense motivation he/she would feel when not dating anyone. Going dateless on a Friday night would feel like starving to death... like dying of thirst... like walking the cold, desolate streets without a home!
The intense motivation to marry translates into intense and inappropriate emotional behaviors, which may cause someone to stay single or enter into a bad relationship/marriage with another who is desperate.
So how does one avoid dying from the thirst for marriage? By realizing that getting married is not a basic need for human survival. There is no intense need to marry. It is a product of our imagination. It is the imagined result of improper logic.
Remember that desperation is defined as "suffering extreme need." By simply realizing that getting married is not a need, one is instantly no longer desperate. Remove the need, remove the desperation.
If you disagree, then talk to a nun or a priest. They are living witnesses that human life will survive without dating, courtship, and marriage. The amazing thing is that they are not only alive, but they often seem happy!
Patience Conquers Desperation
Anyone could end up going on a date with someone who is desperate, but someone who is accustomed to healthy intimacy will typically run far and fast. This leaves the desperate person in an endless cycle because he cannot see that it is his desperation that is chasing potential spouses away.
For the desperate, being single may feel like they are undergoing opposition, difficulty, or adversity. Since the definition of "patient" happens to be "steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity," patience is the proper virtue for defeating desperation. It will take a patient relationship progression to overcome desperation.
In addition to patience, we need prudence, or what I call "engaging the intellect." As mentioned earlier, it takes proper logic and focused determination to remember that we do not need to be married in order to exist as human beings and this will reduce our marriage motivation to appropriate levels. Once the marriage motivation is reduced to a logical level, we will not only continue to exist, but will increase our chances of experiencing peace and contentment.
If you pray to God for patience and prudence and open yourself to His saving grace, He will deliver you from your desperation! As seducers become more patient and prudent by praying for God's grace to descend upon them, the number of Catholic singles able to display emotionally appropriate behaviors will increase. As this number increases, the number of Catholic singles who were formerly having trouble finding someone with pure intentions will start to find quality Catholic singles to date.
The same truth applies to all, both to former seducers and to those who cannot find a quality date. If it truly is God's will for you to marry, then it is with your patience, prudence, and cooperation with God's grace, that you will enter courtship with the chaste, affectionate spouse whom God designed uniquely for marriage with you!
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work.
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