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2007 ARCHIVE
December
Christmas Presents, Catholic Presence, and Dating
November
Mr. Chemistry Lips
October
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part Two
September
Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish: Part One
August
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part Two
July
Okay, I Admit It. I'm Desperate! Part One
June
Why Am I Still Single? Part Two
May
Why Am I Still Single? Part One
April
Survive or Thrive?
March
How Open Is Your Marriage Window?
February
Interview-date-o-phobia
January
Angels, Demons, and Dating
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Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish:
Three Tactics for a Remote Relationship
(Part Two of Two)
Written by Thomas P. Schmierer
September 17, 2007 |
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 Have your long-term dating relationships "failed"? If so, your future courtship success depends on discovering why. The Choo-choo, Cha-cha, and Childish relationship patterns are common routes leading to an emotionally-remote relationship. Investigating these three patterns may help you identify what went wrong in the past and what you can do better now.
In last month's article, we explored the Choo-choo pattern. For a refresher you may wish to visit the Archives section of the site. This month, the Cha-cha and Childish patterns are described. All three of these patterns typically stem out of a fear of intimacy.
Cha-cha
The Cha-cha pattern is like a dance. According to a website that describes a beginning cha-cha step pattern:
The lady facing the man, will perform steps complimenting his. So if the man moves his left foot forward, the lady will move her right foot back and visa versa. This is very sensible. Otherwise, the man would probably tread on her! (1)
What is sensible in dancing is not necessarily sensible in courtship. Remember, we are speaking in analogies here. The larger reality we wish to discuss has to do with authentic emotional connection. An example of the reality suggested by the Cha-cha analogy would look like this:
The man usually only calls once a week and it seems to be when the woman is not home, even though he knows her schedule. She has been calling him five times a week, but after three weeks of only reaching him once a week, the woman gives up. After the woman gives up, the man now calls her five times a week. Once the woman responds to the manâ–“s increased level of interest, he resorts back to calling only once per week.
This type of pattern can be two-sided in those cases where the man and the woman are both emotionally unavailable and afraid of real intimacy. Essentially, it is a two-steps-forward, three-steps-back pattern, a pattern where the "dancers" never meet and actually digress in love rather than grow.
When "dancing the Cha-cha" the "song" always ends eventually. Do you want an enduring, joy-filled love or a quick, "exciting" dance? An enduring love is more likely to result from a Christian courtship, which always involves mutual interest and a slow, steady increase in pure intimate connection.
Christian courtship involves concrete actions of servitude. How can you adequately serve someone with whom you rarely connect? You can't! Remembering the following two essentials of Christian courtship may help lead you towards future dating success:
- You must be worth your future spouse's time.
- Your future spouse must be worth your time.
According to Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body, the marital embrace involves a mutual gift of self. A Christian courtship is a time to prepare for marriage and although it does not involve the marital embrace, it should include reciprocal giving in other ways that are proper to the single state of life. Mutual and pure giving of time and effort is the perfect preparation for enduring holy spousal love.
Childish
Now that we have an understanding of the Choo-choo and the Cha-cha, we may investigate the Childish pattern. The Childish pattern is competitive. It involves mutual "one-upmanship." An example of such a relationship follows:
The woman is suspicious that the man is cheating on her, so she decides to cheat on him. In hopes of making him feel jealous, the woman lets the man know about her activities. The man is able to prove his innocence to the lady and she feels ashamed of her behavior. Rather than forgive her, the man cheats on the woman to get her back for cheating on him. He tells the woman and she angrily "keys" his car.
This type of pattern can continue to infinity. Members of a Childish relationship are forced to cling together due to the extremely intense sucking force of this type of emotional whirlpool. It is like the couple is inside a giant washing machine as they get tossed around and beat up, but keep on moving "closer and closer" until the cycle is over and they approach the drain that leads to the sewer line. The closeness they feel in the spin-cycle is intense, but not authentic. It is something very different than the joy and sense of belonging that we feel as the result of serving one another.
Couples are often unaware that they are addicted to the adrenaline rush that sometimes comes from intense emotions and cannot understand why they would stay in a relationship that is chaotically competitive. Those caught in a Childish pattern can identify with the cliché: "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." In contrast, those who are in an authentic Christian courtship cannot relate to the saying because they enjoy one another so much.
Reciprocal Love
The solution to these patterns is to choose to date someone who is capable of reciprocating your love - someone who seeks to serve. It is also important to realize that a good relationship begins with you. You must have a giving approach to a relationship and not a "getting" or "grasping" one. If you feel confident that you have a selfless approach to courtship, then it is prudent to determine if your dating interest is capable of returning your love.
A marriage is unlike any other relationship in that the special love that solidifies the bond between spouses must be mutual. The best way to prepare for marriage is for it to be preceded by a courtship that involves reciprocated love. Emotional intimacy comes from consistent servitude and frequent forgiveness as opposed to remote relating and vengeful competitiveness. The prudent progression of a Christian courtship, which involves a patient and steady pacing of pure intimacy, is the sure route to a marriage that is holy, enduring, and Heaven bound! (2)
Footnotes
(1) Because the site has a picture of a woman who is immodestly dressed, it is not referenced here.
(2) For those wishing to learn more about the Prudent Progression, please listen to the audio file The Pacing of Intimacy for Adult Catholic Singles by clicking on the "Listen for free!" link at http://www.vaticanvalues.com/singlesadviceaudiorecordings.html. The three patterns have been adapted from a book called Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins. Collins also uses the term "cha-cha."
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work.
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