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Why Are We Still Single (or Single Again)?
PART III
by Anastasia Northrop |
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 As I mentioned at the beginning of this series, the "Seven C's of Self-Centered Singleness" is meant to be a critique and analysis of the culture. Awareness of the influences affecting the culture in which we live is necessary in order for us to look at our own lives and see if there is anything we're doing - or not doing - which is hindering the fulfillment of our personal vocation. Admittedly, this analysis can be a depressing one. But we are not without hope! Pope Benedict XVI emphasized our great need for hope, not only in his second encyclical Spe Salvi (Saved in Hope), but during his recent visit to the United States, the theme of which was "Christ, Our Hope." Hope is necessary in order to live, but especially in order to live as a single Catholic still in search of one's vocation. As Pope Benedict tells us, "Redemption is offered to us in the sense that we have been given hope, trustworthy hope, by virtue of which we can face our present: the present even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey…Here too we see as a distinguishing mark of Christians the fact that they have a future: it is not that they know the details of what awaits them, but they know…that their life will not end in emptiness… The one who has hope lives differently; the one who hopes has been granted the gift of a new life." (Spe Salvi 1, 2) Pope Benedict doesn't mince words: "Let us put it very simply: man needs God, otherwise he remains without hope. (Spe Salvi 23) The question is, what does this mean personally for us? Does the life, death and resurrection of Christ affect the way we live every day of our lives? Do we live differently than those without Christ?
In contrast to the Seven C's of Self-Centered Singleness there are the Three C's of Christ-Centered Singleness: Communion, Conversion and Commitment.
Communion:
As John Paul II taught in his theology of the body, we are created for communion. Ultimately, we were created for union with God, but we were also made to be in union with other people. As the Vatican II document Gaudium et Spes (The Church in the Modern World) stated and John Paul II repeated numerous times, we only find ourselves by making a sincere gift of ourselves (the real definition of love). The "selves" we're looking for are made in God's image, so we can only be truly fulfilled by imaging Him. It is through love that we form communion with others. Love is our deepest desire because the God we're called to imitate is Love. This means that our most fundamental calling is to love, to make a gift of ourselves.
The two ways of living that fundamental calling to be gift in a total and permanent manner are the vocations to marriage and celibacy for the kingdom of heaven (lived as a priest, nun, monk, or consecrated lay person). I believe that most of us are called to one of those two vocations, and we have a responsibility to do what it takes to discern and pursue that. The dying to self required for each vocation will be the means of our sanctification.
Some may not be called to marriage or celibacy. That doesn't mean that God is not calling; He still has a specific plan for each individual person, even if it's not in one of the vowed states of life (marriage or consecrated celibacy). Regardless of our personal mission, the most important task is to discern and follow God's will for our lives, whatever that may be.
Conversion:
It is possible to know God's will and our sanctity consists in following it. But doing God's will and not our own is something which requires daily conversion, a daily surrendering of our lives to God, loving Him above all and putting Him first. Even when I think I'm putting God first sometimes I'm not. Once, when I was going through a difficult time regarding a relationship, a priest helped me to see that even though I thought I was putting God first, I was really more attached to the other person in the relationship. I really wasn't loving God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. My desire for marriage was deeper than my desire for union with God in heaven. I had to reprioritize my desires and surrender my desire for marriage to God, trusting that He would give me what He knows is best in His perfect time. Most of all I had to learn to trust His love, to truly believe that my Loving Father really does want my happiness and will give me more than I could possibly ask for - if I will but trust Him. He knows what He is doing - and if He is allowing me to be in darkness for a time, then that is part of His plan to lead me to Himself.
Maybe we feel called to marriage but the "right" person hasn't come along, or maybe we married and things did not work out as we had planned. Perhaps we find ourselves at a place in our lives that we didn't choose and don't desire. Fr. Jacques Philippe in his profound book Interior Freedom says this: "[True freedom] is consenting to what we did not originally choose... The highest and most fruitful form of human freedom is found in accepting, even more than in dominating… It is natural and easy to go along with pleasant situations that arise without our choosing them. It becomes a problem, obviously, when things are unpleasant, go against us, or make us suffer. But it is precisely then that, in order to become truly free, we are often called to choose to accept what we did not want, and even what we would not have wanted at any price. There is a paradoxical law of human life here: one cannot become truly free unless one accepts not always being free!" (Interior Freedom p. 28)
If we've examined our lives to see what parts of the culture we've bought into, if we are striving to be open to and pursue our vocation as best we can, and if we are having to wait for God to further reveal His plan for our lives, then the most important thing we can do is to remain at peace and trust in His timing. Peace in the soul is essential for God to work. Jesus says to us: "Peace I leave with you, my own peace I give to you; a peace the world cannot give, this is my gift to you. Let not your hearts be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27) Only He knows all the reasons why He is allowing what He is allowing. It may remain a mystery to us for a time, but we can at least be certain that He is allowing everything for our sanctification and greater union with Him. In struggling with getting older and not being married, and through the pain of difficult relationships, I've seen God work tremendous good and growth in my life. In light of the growth there is no way I could wish things had been otherwise.
Conversion is an ongoing process. There is a delicate balance between doing what is necessary to seek your vocation and waiting for God's plan. For example, if you believe that you're called to marriage but the right person hasn't come along, then perhaps God is trying to teach you trust, surrender, and abandonment to His will. On the other hand, make sure that you're not limiting God by imposing immense lists of criteria regarding the person He is putting in your life - because, as you know, God won't force our wills. As C.S. Lewis aptly put it: "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right then, have it your way."
Commitment:
It's easy to see how many of the self-centered "C's" mentioned above contribute toward making commitment scarier and more difficult in today's world. But the simple fact is you can't have communion without commitment. Gift of self necessitates commitment. They go together. Commitment is necessary for conversion and both conversion and commitment are necessary for communion. When we are secure in the knowledge that God is leading us, when we trust that He will allow only what is for our salvation, and when we realize that life is short and heaven is the goal, then commitment becomes easier because we live our lives not for ourselves but for God and for others. Pope Benedict says, "Being in communion with Jesus Christ draws us into his 'being for all'; it makes it our own way of being. He commits us to live for others, but only through communion with him does it become possible truly to be there for others..." (Spe Salvi 28) While not yet committed to marriage or the consecrated life, we can all commit ourselves to living our vocation to love through service to others, whether it be by volunteering for the local pregnancy center, pro-life group, or soup kitchen, by teaching the Faith in Sunday school or CCD, by leading a study group or organizing outreach activities for singles in the local area, or simply by making ourselves available to those in our lives who are most in need. Above all, we must commit our lives to Christ.
CONCLUSION:
If we are asking ourselves, "Why am I still single?," we can start by looking at the values of our culture and contrasting them with the Gospel values. We can ask ourselves which set of values is having a greater impact on the way we live. We can ask ourselves if we know what it really means to be a man and what it really means to be a woman - and see what we can do to be more the man or woman God has created us to be. We can strive to live our baptism more fully. We can work to present to those around us a true vision of masculinity and femininity in a world that doesn't know the difference between the two or the fact that they both image God in an important way.
Let us continue on our way with our eyes fixed on Christ, our true and only Hope. Let us always strive to understand more deeply how we are called to image the God Who Is Love. As Pope Benedict says in his first encyclical Deus Caritas Est (God is Love):
"True, eros tends to rise 'in ecstasy' toward the Divine, to lead us beyond ourselves; yet for this very reason it calls for a path of ascent, renunciation, purification, and healing... Love is indeed 'ecstasy,' not in the sense of a moment of intoxication, but rather as a journey, an ongoing exodus out of the closed inward-looking self toward its liberation through self-giving, and thus toward authentic self-discovery and indeed the discovery of God: 'whoever seeks to gain his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it.', as Jesus says throughout the Gospels. In these words, Jesus portrays his own path, which leads through the Cross to the Resurrection: the path of the grain of wheat that falls to the ground and dies, and in this way bears much fruit. Starting from the depths of his own sacrifice and of the love that reaches fulfillment therein, he also portrays in these words the essence of love and indeed of human life itself." (DCE 6, emphasis added)
As we come to know the essence of true love, let us heed the words of John Paul II: "Love is a constant challenge thrown to us by God...Are you really afraid of love? Do not be afraid of the risks! God's strength is always far more powerful than your difficulties."
Don't forget that the National Catholic Singles Conference is taking place in San Diego, CA on June 27th through 29th, 2008. Please visit http://www.nationalcatholicsingles.com to learn more details! The Chicago National Catholic Singles Conference was a phenomenal hit! Please see the website soon for details of the previous conference.
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