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Your Dominant "Ex"
by Thomas P. Schmierer |
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 Did you feel like you had no voice in your last relationship? Did your boyfriend/girlfriend dictate where you would eat and what you would do on all of your dates? Did you feel as if you were getting smaller and less important as he/she grew larger and more powerful? If so, some information about power imbalances will help prepare you for a better relationship next time.
"Wives, submit to your husbands"
While either the man or woman may establish greater control over the other in a relationship, historically, men have won the battle for relationship power, possibly due to their generally stronger physical abilities. One contributing factor for male domination in "Christian" relationships seems to stem from a misinterpretation of Ephesians 5:22-24, which says:
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. (Revised Standard Version)
This passage has led to gross power imbalances and even abuse in far too many "Christian" courtships and marriages. The fundamental mistake is made when a controlling man quotes the aforementioned verses without including the preceding verse, which says, "Be subject to one another [italics added] out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
It is noteworthy that many theologians agree that for those decisions in which a courting or married couple cannot agree and in which neither option is immoral, the woman should submit to the man per the above passage. By submitting to the man, the woman is holding the man accountable for what Christ has called him to be, a spiritual father. These instances are extremely rare, which means that the power in the relationship needs to be balanced and based on mutual respect. (I)
Power Imbalances in Relationships
Some obvious manifestations of power imbalances are verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. To the untrained eye, it may appear that the victim is the only one who has low feelings of self worth. In actuality, both the abuser and the victim do not think highly of themselves. The abuser attempts to suck power from the victim because the abuser has such a low view of himself/herself while the victim often surrenders power to the abuser because the victim feels weak or unimportant. (II) It is important to differentiate between ongoing emotional abuse and the occasional argument.
Some mental health professionals believe that there is nothing like a heated argument to show that love still exists in a relationship. They believe that it takes passion to argue and that where there is no passion, there is no argument.
One example of a lack of passion would be a stereotypical marriage between an "unemotional business manager" and a "soccer mom." Sometimes in these cases, the man will consider his business career to be too important for him to "waste time" on "trivial" matters concerning the children. He will essentially leave almost all decisions involving the children to his wife. His business career expects him to suppress his emotions in order to make wise decisions and at home he is emotionally uninvolved in the rearing of the children.
Sometimes the business manager's lack of passion may extend to his relationship with his wife. If the man considers his career more important than his responsibilities as husband and father, the passion that led to his spousal relationship may nearly disappear. If the wife accepts this lack of passion in the man and begins to agree that his business career is more important than his family responsibilities, then the couple has essentially agreed to have a relatively passionless marriage.
This type of relationship is cold and emotionless. Both spouses have given up on their original marital dreams. Both spouses have long forgotten the passion that existed during their engagement and honeymoon. It is in scenarios such as this one, that some psychologists believe that a heated argument is exactly what is needed in order to show that the couple's passionate fire is still lit.
A heated argument may be required for the wife to express her relationship-saving needs. She may feel the need to raise her voice and say things like: "I love you! I still have dreams! I will not let you out of this relationship that easily! I exist and I am important! The children need you and they are important too!"
The example above displayed two extremes: (1) a cold, passionless way of relating, and (2) an extremely passionate means of communicating. Until the extremely passionate explosion by the wife, the couple avoided the conflict entirely. Avoiding conflicts entirely removes all passion from a relationship and generally leads to unhappiness.
While resolving conflict is always a worthy endeavor, there is a better way to resolve issues than by demanding your rights in an extremely passionate way. If you have ever been excessively controlled or controlling in a relationship, you will benefit from learning new ways of relating that can help eradicate all power imbalances from within a relationship. One great way of making a strong emotional connection involves rethinking our old concepts of conflict resolution.
Lose-Lose, Win-Lose, or Win-Win
When two people approach a conflict with an attitude of "getting," then typically one or both of them feel like they have lost or compromised something. The outcome may seem like it helped maintain a power balance, but in the end, the emotional connection is weak and both persons have lost something. Compromising creates a lose-lose situation.
When one person tries to control another and "get" something and the other decides to submit, a lose-win situation has been created. The emotional connection is weakened. When one person loses and the other wins, the power imbalance is obviously in favor of the winner.
Anytime there is a spirit of "compromise," one or both members agree to lose something, yet when the term "compromise" is replaced with the term "collaborate," then a win-win situation has been created. Compromising is inferior because it begins with a spirit of "grasping" and ends in a willingness to "lose" something. Collaborating is better because it begins with a spirit of "mutual subjection" such as is mandated in Ephesians 5:21 and ends in mutual joy.
Collaborative Resolutions
Collaboration involves listening to what each party has to say on the issue and truly wanting what is best for everyone, including oneself. In the case of a couple, it involves listening to the other person's observations, thoughts, feelings, and wants, and then sharing your own observations, thoughts, etc. (III)
An essential part to the collaborative effort is to think of the moral desires of all stakeholders. In the case of a couple, this includes family, friends, and, most importantly, God.
By truly listening to your date's observations, thoughts, feelings, and wants, and mutually seeking a conflict resolution that is win-win for all stakeholders, including God, your next relationship will maintain a balance of power, be emotionally fulfilling, and more likely to lead to a joy-filled Christian marriage!
Footnotes
I. The ways that a husband can be a spiritual father are numerous and outside the scope of this article. "Exercising control" and "being a spiritual father" are not necessarily always equal as can be seen by the gentle way of relating that is expected to occur between the Abbot and the novice in the Rule of St. Benedict, which says "The reason we have said that all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals to the younger what is best." Quote retrieved from http://www.osb.org/rb/text/rbejms2.html#3 on February 28, 2008.
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