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Dating a Dilemma-Dreamer
Part One of Two
by Thomas P. Schmierer
September 29, 2008 |
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 Does your romantic interest seem to have a major crisis several times a day? If so, you might be dating a dilemma-dreamer. By learning to recognize their characteristic attention-seeking behavior, you can gain the insight necessary to react to dilemma-dreamers in a way that allows you to maintain your own sanity while offering true Christian love.
The Dilemma-Dreamer
Dilemma-dreamers are the type of people who regularly undergo personal "dilemmas" that may often seem more important than anything that is going on in your life. There are two types of dilemma-dreamers:
- those who exaggerate their "inability" to solve their problems on their own
- those who exaggerate their "problems"
What is common to both types is that they exaggerate something, thus we may say that the stories of dilemma-dreamers contain an element of fantasy or "dream."
The Illusion of Incapability
The first type of dilemma-dreamer seems to always have real problems as if he/she is being followed around by a dark cloud of dust like the cartoon character Pig-Pen from Charles Schultz's Peanuts series.(1) As this type of dilemma-dreamer tells you his/her problems, he/she unknowingly portrays an illusion of incapability. Being the kind, caring helper that you are, you naturally begin to offer solutions.
What is unique to this type of dilemma-dreamer is that he/she will not accept any of your suggestions. Each time you offer one, he/she replies with "Yes, but...." An excuse is provided thwarting all of your suggestions and explaining how each solution would really work, "if only...." The dilemma-dreamer unknowingly needs to keep both his/her dilemma-telling and your advice-giving activities going for fear that the conversation will end. Why is the conversation's end so frightening?
To this type of person, the end of the conversation means that he/she is no longer relevant to you. According to author Bryn C. Collins: "At the core of this is the fact that she doesn't believe she's interesting enough to warrant your friendship without an excuse."(2) The odd thing is that because he/she always has a current dilemma, it is as if your relationship truly is based solely on the basis on the presence of his/her problems. When he/she is not able to retain your attention with his/her problems, you will usually find him/her telling some other caring person about them.
The key thing for you to remember is that the dilemma-dreamer does not need your help. He/she is fully capable of solving his/her own problems and he/she knows it. He/she is simply lonely and knows only one way of ensuring human "connection," even if this "connection" is founded on illusion. According to Collins, what the dilemma-dreamer truly needs is for someone to "affirm that someone cares for her."(3) As a Christian, hopefully you will be able to affirm him/her, especially now that you understand what is truly happening in this relationship.
The Illusion of Dilemma
The second type of dilemma-dreamer may also be reminiscent of Pig-Pen, but rather than have a dark cloud around him/her, he/she actually seems happy or excited when updating you with the current status regarding his/her problems. This type of person is an amateur actor who speaks with much hyperbole. He/she seems to secretly love the drama surrounding his/her problems. When he/she acts distraught, if you pay close enough attention, you will see that the emotional tension looks feigned.
Everything that is true with the first type of dilemma-dreamer is also true with this type except that the communicated "facts" surrounding the problem are illusory. This type of dilemma-dreamer makes the problem seem worse than it really is because he/she believes that the more interesting the problem is, then the more important he/she will seem to you. Rather than capturing your attention through feigned helplessness, he/she attempts to capture it by updating you with the latest exciting and shocking developments of his/her ongoing situation.
Whereas, we all share problems and explore solutions with one another, there is something about these persons that makes the character of the solution-searching experience different than with others. The difference is that all dilemma-dreamers suffer from low feelings of self-worth. Their desperate need to be loved frequently goes unfulfilled because their fictitious way of seeking compassion often drives potential affirmers away.
Your Matching Half of the Relationship
If you are dating a dilemma-dreamer and offering advice, then you are helping complete an illusory communication cycle. In order for your dilemma-dreamer to remain unchanged, he/she requires you and others to give advice. Your advice-giving style of communicating is the other "matching half" that the dilemma-dreamer depends upon to feel "connected." Collins writes: "Your job in the relationship is to come up with answers and suggestions that will affirm her by demonstrating that she has your attention and caring."(4)
Now that we understand the dilemma-dreamer, it is time to seek insight into the advice-giver. Collins suggests that "what hooks [the advice-giver] into this relationship is [his/her] own ego. Most people like to be asked for advice. It makes us feel valuable and smart and worthwhile."(5) Advice-givers do not always have an ingrained pattern that requires therapy to alter. If you are dating a dilemma-dreamer and giving him/her advice, then simply stop doing it. This allows you to manage your ego, regain humility, and empower your romantic interest.
Gospel Command to "Love Thyself"
In Matthew 22:39, Jesus gives the commandment, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."(6) To love one's neighbor presupposes love of oneself. In order to love yourself, you must set healthy boundaries -- boundaries that allow you enough of a sense of peace that you will be able to energetically love others.
It will take some amount of energy to effectively love anyone you choose to date. When the person you are dating returns the love, this typically energizes you. Dating a dilemma-dreamer often does not energize, but rather sucks away an inordinate amount of energy.
Sometimes you may find yourself asking why you stay in a relationship of this type. The answer might be that you have a distorted sense of duty. To rectify this, you may wish to heed Collins direction: "The first thing to understand is that you are not responsible to fix this! You didn't break it, you can't fix it!"(7) Often for Christians, following advice such as this can be difficult.
By definition, devout Christians are excited about the opportunity to listen to another's problems while putting their own on the backburners, for as the Gospel says, "the last will be first, and the first last."(8) This does not mean that we should subject ourselves to falsities that can be the demise of our own mental well-being.
When someone is not telling us the whole truth about their full capabilities or the small extent of their problems, we owe it to ourselves as Christians to live in the way of truth.(9) In order to care for ourselves, we must love ourselves enough to require truth in all of our communications with others. Does this mean that we should end our dilemma-dreamer dating relationships? Determining this will require further exploration.
Conclusion of Part One
Thus far we have identified the two types of dilemma-dreamers. One type pretends to be helpless and the other pretends to have bigger problems than he/she actually has. We have also learned that by dating a dilemma-dreamer, we play a role in keeping them unchanged by giving advice that is never taken. In order to love an other as ourselves, we must first love ourselves. Regarding communication with dilemma-dreamers, we must require truth.
This concludes part one of a two part series on this topic. Part two, to be released next month, will address:
- How to set boundaries when staying in a relationship with a dilemma-dreamer
- The "fruits" of marrying a dilemma-dreamer
- Advice to those who are new to dating and courtship regarding dilemma-dreamers
- Authentic intimacy according to the Pope of Love
Until next month, may your dating relationships be full of Truth and Love!(10)
Footnotes
- See http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/meet_the_gang/meet_pig_pen.html.
- P. 143 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- P. 142 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Ibid.
- P. 143 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version.
- P. 142 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Matthew 20:16.
- 2 Peter 2:2.
- John 14:6, 1 John 4:8, 16.
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work. For information about his audio presentation on "Christian Dating & Courtship," visit http://www.amazon.com/Christian-Dating-Courtship-Intimacy-Catholic/dp/B001F3H2GQ/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i.
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