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Dating a Dilemma-Dreamer
Part Two of Two
by Thomas P. Schmierer
October 30, 2008 |
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 Does your date seem to have a major crisis several times a day? If so, you might be dating a dilemma-dreamer. In last's month's article, which is available in the archives section, we identified two types of dilemma-dreamers. We also acknowledged Christ's call to love our neighbor as ourselves, which presupposes that we love ourselves. It was suggested that by dating a dilemma-dreamer, we might not be truly loving ourselves. In this article we investigate the question of whether or not to end a dating relationship with a dilemma-dreamer.
Staying in the Relationship
Whether or not to stay in a dating relationship with a dilemma-dreamer can be a difficult decision for a Christian. If there is a way to maintain a sense of peace while in the relationship, then it might be worth staying in it.
Author Bryn C. Collins suggests the possibility of modifying the fictitious cycle of communication in these types of relationships by doing the following:
- Keeping boundaries tight
- Confronting things that do not match observations
- Confronting things that seem evasive
- Being clear that your relationship can exist without excuse
- Being clear that your relationship can exist without exaggeration(1)
Even though the relationship could improve by following Collins' advice, there is a good reason to opt out of the relationship: it can be extremely tiring to constantly confront a dilemma-dreamer.
When you choose to date somebody, you are also deciding to expend much mental energy on the person. When you date someone who is able to be authentically intimate, the mental energy you spend on him/her will be returned in a mutually healthy manner. The net result is that your tender feelings will multiply and you will be able to better nurture more members of God's family.
Conversely, when dating a dilemma-dreamer, much more mental energy will be exerted and likely wasted than when dating someone with the ability to be truly intimate. There is no healthy return for your efforts and you will often feel drained. By exerting so much energy on one person, you will not be able to properly serve as many member's of God's family as you could if you were to date someone who knows how to make an emotional connection without being evasive.
When pondering the question "Should I end the relationship?" you will want to ask God if He wants you to concentrate on only one person or to spread your energy among many persons. Before coming to any conclusions, it is best to consider the future with a dilemma-dreamer.
Your Future Children Together
A presentation called "The Pacing of Intimacy for Catholic Christian Adults" focuses on the fact that Christian marriage begins with friendship dating.(2) The presentation brings to the forefront that, as Catholic Christians, we are called to raise Catholic Christian saints. One way of deciding whether or not to terminate the relationship is to ask yourself: If I was to marry him/her, what is the likelihood that I would be able to raise saints?
Doctor's have long understood that when some types of dilemma-dreamers bear children, their "sickness" can be "transferred" to their offspring in the form of Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy.(3) One source describes this syndrome as follows:
Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy (MSP) is a parenting disorder where parents, usually the mother, fabricate symptoms in their children, thus subjecting the child to unnecessary medical tests and/or surgical procedures. In some cases, the parents also inflict injury and can kill their children in the process.(4)
By "caring for" so-called "sick" children, these dilemma-dreamers get the reward that they are accustomed to receiving--being seen as important and worthy of interest by others.
When you see these parents, they always offer the latest "sickness" story about their children. One mother might express how her child with "bipolar disorder" tried to kill her, while another parent might speak of how he thinks that the doctors have finally discovered what is really wrong with his child after years of searching.
When you meet a child of a dilemma-dreamer, you will often wonder how this could be the same "sick" child that the parent described because the child will often appear remarkably healthy and bright. This is because the healthy appearance of the child matches the truth that the child is healthy.
For a well-known example of the results of being "raised" by someone with Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, we need not look any farther than the foul-mouthed rapper named Eminem who, in his lyrics, reports that he was raised by a mother with this syndrome.(5) While it might not be Christian of us to judge Eminem for his immoral lyrics or his mother for the way she raised him, we can at least admit that there must be an easier way to raise Catholic Christian saints than by subjecting them to a dilemma-dreamer parent.
It seems neglectful to marry someone knowing that he/she could harm our children's mental health. This is something that we must seriously consider before entering a courtship with a dilemma-dreamer.
New to Dating
Some readers of this article might not even be in a dating relationship. They might actually be new to dating or freshly coming out of a long-term relationship. To these readers, it is worth describing what dilemma-dreamers look like on the dating scene, even if it is somewhat of a review of last month's article.
Dilemma-dreamers are very lonely and desperately want to connect with people. When they speak of past horrors or hyperbolize their current dilemmas, they are willing to accept any type of connection with you, even a warped one. This is because to them, any connection is better than no connection.
What dilemma-dreamers do not realize is that people would connect with them and notice them more if they did not try so hard to be noteworthy through their real or imagined catastrophes. In general, people who are seeking authentic intimacy will be chased away from dilemma-dreamers.
When coming out of a long-term relationship, it is common to feel a void in your life. It is also common to want to fill the void with something or someone new. Sometimes in this needy state, a person who is freshly out of a long-term relationship will seem like a dilemma-dreamer to others. There is a way to avoid being viewed like this.
The presentation on intimacy mentioned earlier explains a relationship phase called the Dating Preparation Phase.(6) In this phase a person spends about a year without dating so that he/she can develop new spiritual habits. Our loneliness can be seen as an urge placed in us by Jesus inviting us to turn to Him.
It seems impossible to be lonely when one has entered into a deep meditation on the Mystery of the Trinity. Establishing a regular life of prayer is the first step to healing any tendency to "invent" dilemmas out of loneliness.
Authentic Intimacy
Real intimacy must be mutual. It is difficult to have a mutually giving relationship when one person is always in need. People who love themselves will naturally avoid getting too intimate with those who seem to need more love than it is humanly possible to give.
People who love themselves set boundaries as a means to maintaining their own sanity. Setting boundaries like these say, "I care about you, but I am not your therapist" or "I would love to enter into a mutual friendship with you, but I will not be unduly burdened by your decision to create drama."
Pope John Paul II often spoke about Jesus' call for spouses to mutually love one another. This sense of the word "love" is interchangeable with the word "gift." The Pope of Love reminds us that in order for spouses to mutually love, they must mutually give:
[There is a] perennial call of man and woman--a call revealed in the mystery of creation--to communion by means of mutual giving [italics added].(7)
The context of this quote from the Pope is one in which lust is characterized by contrasting it with true marital communion, yet the call to mutually give can be appropriately extended beyond this context. As pertains to the focus of this article, the call to mutual love applies to dating relationships with dilemma-dreamers.
In any relationship there will be some give and take. It is normal to complain about work or some other events in life and to ask the person you are dating to support you by listening to you. During some periods of a courtship one person might actually have more to complain about than the other, but over time, the complaining and supporting of each partner should offset each other.
In the relationship with a dilemma-dreamer, however, the complaining is one-way. It is something that perhaps Pope John Paul II would call "unilateral."(8) The dilemma-dreamer unknowingly "uses" you by exaggerating his/her stories so that he/she will be the focus of attention. There is very little to no sharing of attention in a relationship with a dilemma-dreamer because your stories are mundane or "unimportant" in comparison.
Authentic intimacy requires mutual caring and sharing. It requires both persons to take turns focusing on the other with gentle, loving responses. A prerequisite of this is that both will tell the truth rather than stretch it. For those who want to experience real love, it may be best to avoid entering into an exclusive relationship with a dilemma-dreamer.
Conclusion
Thus far we have identified two types of dilemma-dreamers. One type pretends to be helpless, and the other pretends to have bigger problems than he/she actually has. We have also learned that by dating a dilemma-dreamer, we play a role in keeping them unchanged by giving advice that is never taken. In order to love an other as ourselves, we must first love ourselves. This means that we must love ourselves enough to require truth, not exaggeration, in our communications with our dates.
We may choose to stay in a relationship with a dilemma-dreamer, but this will require frequent confrontation. It is recommended that these relationships remain non-exclusive. Since dating might lead to marriage, there are serious moral implications in our decision to marry a dilemma-dreamer.
Sometimes those who are new to the dating scene act as if they are dilemma-dreamers, especially if they are freshly out of a long-term relationship and are still in emotional pain over the loss. To heal this pain, they should focus on developing more religious devotions for about one year before going on their first date. Frequently seeking God's grace is the healthiest way to heal a broken heart.
Pope John Paul II spoke about our call to mutually give in the context of marital communion, but it is proper to extend the context to dating relationships. If we first develop our prayer lives and then carefully select the person with whom we enter into an exclusive relationship, we can experience authentic intimacy, a.k.a. mutual giving. This experience of true love will invigorate us so that we can be attentive not only to our romantic interest, but also to other members of God's family. Through reciprocal giving and receiving, we will have the mental energy needed to cultivate a loving relationship that leads to Holy Matrimony and the raising of Catholic Christian saints!
Footnotes
- P. 145 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Available at http://www.amazon.com/Christian-Dating-Courtship-Intimacy-Catholic/dp/B001F3H2GQ/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i.
- Ehrlich, S., Pfeiffer, E., Salbach, H., Lenz, K., & Lehmkuhl, U. (2008). Factitious Disorder in Children and Adolescents: A Retrospective Study. Psychosomatics, 49(5), 392-8. Retrieved October 30, 2008, from ProQuest Psychology Journals database. (Document ID: 1557976921).
- Text retrieved from http://sids-network.org/experts/msp.htm on October 10, 2008.
- See http://rarediseases.about.com/cs/munchausensynd/a/091402.htm.
- See footnote 2.
- Text retrieved from http://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/jp2tb39.htm on October 10, 2008.
- In Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body, he writes: "Furthermore, in unilateral appropriation (which indirectly is bilateral) the structure of communion between persons disappears" (Retrieved from http://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/jp2tb32.htm on October 10, 2008). While the Pope of Love is speaking in the context of male domination over women, the term "unilateral" refers to "using" and can be appropriately extended to refer to any one-way act of using in a relationship.
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work. For information about his audio presentation on "Christian Dating & Courtship," visit http://www.amazon.com/Christian-Dating-Courtship-Intimacy-Catholic/dp/B001F3H2GQ/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_i.
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