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Emotional Flat-liners: Is Your "Cool" Date Actually Frigid?
by Thomas P. Schmierer
August 29, 2008 |
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 Are you dating someone who calmly maintains his/her composure even in the most emotionally evocative situations? Is he/she "cooler" than Bono on an Alaskan tour? While the lead singer of U2 may be the epitome of cool, anything cooler might mean that your romantic interest is frigid. While being cool can mean that one seems very calm, being frigid often refers to a sort of emotional lifelessness. By understanding the difference between cool and frigid and utilizing solid Christian courtship principles, you can avoid dating an emotional flat-liner and experience an emotionally authentic relationship.
Is My Date Cool or Frigid?
To determine whether your date is cool or frigid, we must first agree upon definitions for these terms. The dictionary definition of cool is "marked by steady dispassionate calmness and self-control."(1) If your date is merely cool and has a well-formed conscience, then his/her intellect will enable him/her to view reality without the skew that is often caused by excessive emotionality.
The dictionary definition of frigid, however, is "lacking warmth or ardor; indifferent."(2) The differences between these two definitions are subtle, yet important to comprehend in order to judiciously determine whether or not we are in a healthy relationship.
To better understand the differences, we may think of these personal qualities as being on an emotional continuum somewhere between the extremes of: (a) showing no emotion and (b) expressing emotion intensely, extensively, and frequently. We can think of this continuum as an emotional expressiveness thermometer.
The thermometer would label "rigid" at absolute zero. Next there would be "cool," followed by "warm," "hot," and ending at "very hot." This article focuses primarily on emotional coolness and frigidity with the understanding that frigidity is an emotional flat-line, while coolness shows the presence of an emotional pulse, or rather impulse.
Natural Emotional Impulses
All who are alive have natural emotional impulses. According to studies that utilize self report measures, individuals actually feel these impulses to a greater or lesser degree.(3) An intellect formed by solid Catholic Christian doctrine understands when we should act upon our emotional impulses and when we should not. Guided by reason and fueled by the Eucharist, we are called to act in a morally righteous way regardless of what emotions are elicited by certain situations. This calling is understood both by cool and frigid Catholic Christian singles.
The difference between a person who is frigid and someone who is cool lies in how they respond to our Christian call to love. While someone who is frigid may sound like someone who is cool by saying "if you stay in the middle you don't get hurt and nobody thinks badly of you,"(4) he/she really feels nothing at all. When you speak with a frigid person, you will notice a flat or sometimes businesslike tone as if expressing emotions is taboo. A frigid person can speak of traumatic experiences in the past and even use words like "sad" when doing so and still will not communicate any real sadness through facial expressions or body language.
The longer you contemplate this absence of emotional expressiveness, the more you will get the sense that there is something very phony about your frigid friend. This is not because your friend is a liar, but because he/she is truly not aware of his/her emotions, for they have been suppressed--pushed below his/her consciousness. The stuffing of emotions is the result of emotional-control, rather than self-control.
Cool Self-Control and Frigid Emotional-Control
Unlike with those who are frigid and emotionally unaware, the cool person actually feels his/her emotions, but moderates his/her self, not his/her emotions. The cool person has been accustomed to expressing emotions throughout his/her entire life, thus his/her emotions have matured and are now easily moderated by the intellect.
The cool person's emotions are not intense, thus the cool person is actually being real when he/she is calm. The cool person is able to lead a life according to sound Catholic Christian doctrine because it is easy for him/her since his/her emotions assist him/her in doing so.(5)
The frigid person does not respect his/her emotions and might even be afraid of what actions might result if he/she was to become aware of them. Sometimes this is because something traumatic has happened in the past, and the person fears that if he/she was to investigate even a small part of his/her emotions, then he/she would be absolutely overwhelmed since the emotions are connected to the trauma. Because a frigid person often has a fear of feeling his/her emotions, it is usually best if the frigid seek help from a gentle, emotionally-oriented counselor.
Because a frigid person truly has emotional impulses but does not feel these impulses, these emotions will continue to grow and grow until there is an emotionally expressive eruption. Sometimes this only happens in private, and no one ever witnesses it, thus if you are dating a frigid person, you may never see his/her "very hot" side. If you do witness the emotional outbreak of a frigid person, he/she will often act as if nothing happened the next time he/she sees you.(6)
According to author Bryn C. Collins, the frigid person will often exhibit behaviors designed to avoid emotional contact such as:
- Much joking or teasing to keep things light
- Startling subject changes (i.e. from love and commitment to the Yankees game)
- Angry outbursts when you ask an emotion-eliciting question
- Stormy departures, followed by acting as if nothing happened(7)
- Kicking you out of his/her presence temporarily rather than facing immediate conflict
Collins adds that after big outbreaks frigid people will return to their frigid state because to them nothing did happen. They have "one flash of emotion, which [seals] up instantly before it [is] processed either internally or externally."(8)
The problem with dating a person who is frigid is that you get no sense of emotional connection. It as if you are looking into a one-way mirror painted black, and you keep talking to it hoping desperately to see some kind of response. The good news is that after working with a good therapist, a frigid person can often learn to better express his/her emotions in a relationship.(9)
The Warmth of Christian Courtship
What has been discussed in this article regarding the difference between frigidity and coolness has been taught by the Catholic Church as continence and temperance (10) and by psychologists as suppression and expression, respectively. Frigidity/ continence/ suppression occurs as the person chooses the good by sheer will power because he/she has never learned to respect emotions or invite them into his/her awareness. Coolness/ temperance/ (appropriate) expression allows emotions to surface as the person is ultimately and easily guided by his/her intellect to do what is good.
Karol Wojtyla, who later entered the papacy as Pope John Paul II, wrote a piece called The Acting Person. In it, he addresses the topic of emotions and moral action:
It is common knowledge that the emotional life of man exerts a tremendous influence in the formation of his actions. It is also well known and corroborated by numerous treatises on ethics that emotions may in some respects enhance our actions, but in others they have a restraining or even crippling effect on what in acting is essential, namely, the exercise of the free will.(11)
We see in this quote that Wojtyla acknowledged that emotions can be useful for enhancing our moral actions. Later in the work, he explains how a moderate level of emotions can help us to discern objective truth or to grasp reality. Regarding the extreme of "very hot" emotions, Wojtyla writes:
Nevertheless, when over-emotionalization, especially in its extreme forms, gains ascendency, emotions are taking over directly the field of actual consciousness, which still continues to mirror them; but now their reflection is devoid of the element of objectivation or comprehension, because this is no longer provided by self-knowledge. Man is then aware of his emotions, but he does not control them any more.(12)
In this quote, we can see that while Wojtyla respected emotions, he affirmed that it would take an act of sheer will power to do what is objectively good when in the "very hot" zone on the emotional expressiveness thermometer. This does not mean, however, that Catholic Christian singles are not to experience emotional warmth in any way, shape, or form, as we will soon explore.
Good actions can be easily chosen and executed by someone who experiences emotions anywhere between the "cool" and "warm" range on the thermometer. As has been stressed here, when a person does not respect his/her emotions, they will vacillate between extremes of "frigid" and "very hot" and the person will often choose to do bad actions. When this happens, it is hard for a person to experience the warm, pure intimacy that can be found in authentic Christian courtship.
Christ does not call us to totally suppress intense emotions or sexual desires to the point that we are unaware of them. He calls us to use our intellect to guide our actions as we allow ourselves to experience moderate emotions and moral desires. Feeling sexual desire that arises suddenly and unintentionally is not evil, only acting on it in an impure way or encouraging its increase through intentional thoughts can be deemed sinful.
While being cool is often praised by society, and perhaps by some church groups, a case can easily be made that Christ calls us to be warm, even in our dating relationships. One priest who seems to believe this notion is Father Morrow, author of Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World. He supplies us with an example of the expression of warm feelings during courtship in a Christian way:
You might put your hand to her face and move forward ever-so-slowly, and gently kiss her once... twice... three times. Then give her a big, slow hug, pressing your cheek against hers and feeling the warmth as a way of proclaiming your real warm feelings for her. Then, perhaps say something nice, such as, "You are so precious to me." Then say goodnight and kiss her once more, slowly, tenderly, as if you fear she might break if you aren't careful.(13)
It is important to note that the context of this quote is such that the couple has already entered an exclusive, formal courtship. For those who have not yet entered a formal courtship, Fr. Morrow suggests a different set of criteria based on the reality that the relationship is merely a friendship, albeit a special one: "Nice, warm, chaste hugs are fine, since good friends often hug, but everything is low key, low pressure."14
Due to the limited scope of this article, the intricacies of warm, pure courtship cannot be fully developed here. To learn more about Christian courtship, you may wish to visit http://www.vaticanvalues.com/singlesadviceaudiorecordings.html and click on the "Listen for free!" link to hear a presentation entitled "The Pacing of Intimacy for Catholic Christian Singles."
Desire, Pleasure, and Warmth
There is one last distinction to be made that can help thaw those who are frigidly frozen- the distinction between desire and pleasure. While desire is only one of our various emotions, it is perhaps the most relevant to courting couples. Feeling spontaneous sexual desire is different than doing an act or thinking a thought to intentionally arouse sexual pleasure. Even spontaneous sexual pleasure is acceptable as long as it truly was not preceded by an intentional thought or action that normally brings about arousal. Often frigid Catholic Christian singles are confused about the difference between unintended, spontaneous desire and intentional pleasure, thus they mistakenly and excessively fear desire and/or pleasure.
A warm Catholic Christian single is more expressive than one who is cool, yet both must express their desires in a moral way in order to be considered Christian. Christian warmth and coolness refer not only to locations on the emotional expression thermometer, but also to the way that emotions are expressed. Once we learn to allow our intellect to direct our spontaneous, moderate sexual desires towards engaging in pure, warm acts of affection, we turn up the temperature from suppressive frigidity to authentic Christian warmth. Those who want to master the various ways to express warmth will benefit from reading T. G. Morrow's Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World (see footnote 13).
Conclusion
If you are dating someone who calmly maintains his/her composure in even the most emotionally evocative situations and he/she is "cooler" than Bono on an Alaskan tour, then be sure to use what we have learned in this article to help differentiate between cool and frigid emotional expression. By judiciously rating the "temperature" of your romantic interest on the emotional expression thermometer, you should be able to avoid entering courtship with an emotional flat-liner. By utilizing solid Christian courtship principles, you can experience an emotionally authentic relationship--one in which you and your romantic interest are aware of your natural impulses, yet are still able to easily express yourselves in a way that is both pure and warm!
Footnotes
- (1) Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Cool on August 25, 2008.
- Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/frigid on August 25, 2008.
- The Neuroticism Scale on the NEO-PI-R test measures emotional impulses as separate from impulsive activity. See http://www.sigmaassessmentsystems.com/assessments/neopir.asp.
- Pp. 135-139 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Pp. 82-84 of Feeling and Healing Your Emotions (2003) by Conrad W. Baars, M.D.
- Pp. 135-139 of Bryn C. Collins' Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap (1997).
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Retrieved from http://www.newadvent.org/summa/3155.htm on August 25, 2008.
- Retrieved from http://personalism.net/jp2/chapter1.htm on August 25, 2008.
- Ibid.
- Retrieved from http://www.cfalive.org/ccourtship3.htm on August 25, 2008.
- Ibid.
Thomas Schmierer is a Catholic counselor, writer, and evangelizer for V2C®. Visit www.vaticanvalues.com to learn more about Mr. Schmierer's work.
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